Pessimistic about Optimism

At what point does optimism become denial? It would seem that any sentient being vaguely familiar with world history would accept the following as fact: 

- religions will always fight, despite the fact that many of them have the same principals called by a different name;

- some men will always use brute force to dominate womankind;

- the current generation will always do what’s best for themselves rather than sacrificing for the better of the future of humanity;

- politicians will always be corrupt; marriages will always seem better from outside, and truth will always be relative and so on and so on;

But yet around the world, there are people who chose to believe that the world can and maybe even will get better. It would be a pleasure to see the world improve on my watch, but to want this and to believe it are two completely different stories. I do concede that with pressure the pendulum can swing in the direction of our aspirations, but before long human nature kicks back in and things return to the way they have always been. 

At times, when I see movements like “Occupy” or the “Arab Spring”, I get downright giddy that I am witnessing the brink of a new era. But, even though these movements gain momentary traction, we quickly see the “protectors of status quo” counter any advancements with their handy tools: money, power, politics, and fear. Why do they do this? Well self interest, of course. Why else? 

So why do humans not admit total defeat and continue to hope, or dare even strive, for change? I think its because just as much as short-sightedness, greed and egocentrism are ingrained in our genetic make-up, so too is the believe that we have the power to change our destiny (perhaps that goes back to the egocentrism?). But, those who have the passion for change for the better, must also learn to deal with disappointment when they ultimately fail at the task. How sad, but they will learn and stop trying eventually. And, to those shaking their heads in disgust at my pessimism as they read this, just know that in high school and college and even through all of my twenties, I was full of optimism about the future and my ability to influence the world for the better. It is only through the passing of time that one sees patterns of human behavior re-emerge time and time again. And, therefore one begins to feel the futility of his own actions in this great big world. It pains me to see these words in black and white and even more to believe it to my core. But, I have witnessed the same old political speeches made through new mouths and watched the same war unfold in a new time zone. What’s the definition of insanity? To expect a different world through the same actions.

And, through these years, I have learned that many humans will do what is best for themselves, and not what's good for humanity as a whole. This is the essence of all human corruption, our inability to acknowledge we are part of something greater. And, therefore for the success of the greater good, we each must sacrifice. But, humans greatest quality of individuality and manifest destiny is also, alas, our worst quality because it prevents us from acting for the greater-good unless  it is also self-serving. 

So, where does this leave us? I am sure that Italians will continue to avoid paying taxes even if it means all school children will suffer from decrepit classrooms and a flat out lack of text books. I am also sure that Americans will continue to buy big houses with big yards that waste a disgusting amount of electricity and water, even though it means they accelerate global warming and depletes the earth’s resources. I am also sure that Israelis will continue to breach their previously made borders and build in the West Bank, even if it means fellow Israelis will suffer terrorist attacks in direct response to these settlements. Mormons will continue to have more children per capita than is healthy for the planet. Japanese will continue to kill off entire shark species in order to sell  fin soup for $75 a bowl. I could go on and on, but we all get the picture. And that is what’s so sad. We all know that we are acting in our own best interest at the expense of others but we shove down any feelings of duty: to human kind, to earth; to our progeny; to anything but the here and now. And we let the greedy, self-indulgent feelings manifest instead. In order to rid ourselves of any guilt about this glaringly obvious myopia, we use our intellect to rationalize our pitiful actions with argument X and argument Y. If you can’t be bothered to think up your own rational reasons for your damaging actions, have no fear; one can be spoon-fed an excuse by the media or their chosen preachers and politicians. And, because there is strength in numbers we seek out others who participate in the same errant behavior to encase us in our lifestyles in a mutual promise to never hold a mirror up for the other. Isn’t it a shame that we couldn’t use these analytic skills and ingenuity to actually go towards making a better future rather than to make an elaborate excuse as to why we cannot? 

If we stopped defending our positions, we could all easily agree violence is bad, consuming too much is killing our planet, and religions’ purpose is to preach love and tolerance. We all would agree that our way of life is not sustainable. But making such admissions - out loud - forces us to change our behavior or feel guilt and shame for continuing the same bad behavior.  And, that is never going to happen because we are greedy self-interested bastards who want to feel good about ourselves even when we are doing bad selfish things. So, I say crank up that air conditioning, invite over your mirror image friends, ask your underpaid house-help to whip up some shark fin soup as you talk trash about your neighbor who worships differently than you, while your kids play out back in your million-gallon heated pool before eating their hamburgers grown in a slash-burned rainforest that used to be the home of a thousand year old indigenous tribe and for Christ’s sake, enjoy it because God knows your grandkids won’t be alive to!

Postscript: In case you failed to detect it because you were too busy automatically thinking of defenses for the way we live, this article is filled with irony. Its ironic that I write this message with the hope that it will cause maybe even just one reader to change just one of his or her errant ways. Its ironic that I once couldn’t stand to be around those who did not strive for change and now I completely sympathize with why they don’t bother. Its ironic that religions were intended to make lives better and yet they are the cause of so many people's suffering. And that wars are sometimes necessary for peace, and that starving people grow food for the fat. And that we hold the key to change yet we will kill off humanity before we even think of opening the door. 

The Art of Celebration

Through the years I have learned that its the little things that matter. And, what better way to honor our personal milestones than to throw a little celebration in order to break up the monotony. Most of our modern day lives, however exciting we may wish them to be, are full of laborious duties: cleaning house, bathing and feeding kids, grocery shopping, paying bills and working - day in- and day out, year in-and year out.

Yes, we do have the weekends, but again they are mostly filled with chores and routine. And, yes we do have holidays to look forward to, but those are days filled by routine as well. Thanksgiving - eat turkey with extended family; Christmas - open presents and bake sweets; Fourth of July - barbecue, drink beer and watch fireworks, etc. In the end we are all doing pretty much the same thing, which adds to the feeling that our lives are monotonous and homogenized. Human psyches do not like this, as we each have a need to feel special and unique (whether we actually are unique is a whole different blog for a whole different day).

Therefore, I have taken it upon myself to break out of the constant reruns of the day before by celebrating such things as half birthdays, finishing a long project at work or winning a $10 lotto ticket. In order to make these things celebrations you need only to set the mood by being excited, perhaps having some cocktails before dinner or putting on some music and dancing in the living room with a family member.

Our family has also added some random things to celebrate along the way, such as backwards day where you eat breakfast at night and wear pajamas at day (not recommended if a work day). Not only are the unique days important but the way in which a person chooses to celebrate them should also be one-of-a-kind. We have all been to a kids birthday party with pizza and a bounce house. And, we have all received parfum or a tie for Christmas. Why not stir it up for the sake of everybody involved. Take the kids on a day-hike and celebrate a half-birthday at the top of a mountain, celebrate receipt of your tax refund by going to Vegas and betting it all, spend your birthday cooking at a homeless shelter, or stay at home for a black and white movie marathon.

A lifestyle that is rich in diverse experiences where one is always challenging his own routines is a very rewarding lifestyle. I think we all know this but we struggle to make it happen. It doest take effort, but the reward is well worth it. Personally, I am trying to apply this "celebration" theme to my daily life as well by writing, taking piano lessons and maybe even trying my hand at actually mastering photography on this damn expensive camera that's been on auto-mode for more than two years.

Now go forth and party like its a random Tuesday night!

To My Friends Of Old....

Neil Young said it best, "One of these days I'm going to sit down and write a long letter to all the good friends I've known. And, I'm going to try to thank them all for the good times together, though so apart we've grown. . . .And I never tried to burn any bridges, but I know I've let some good things go. . . . From down in LA all the way to nashville to nyc to my canadian prairie home. My friends are scattered like leaves from an old maple. Some are weak, some are strong." 

So, on this Thanksgiving Day, and in fact on many other days, I do think of YOU, the people that have touched my life whether it was two years ago or twenty years ago. I remember you and appreciate the time that we spent together. And, occasionally while I am in the midst of my monotonous daily tasks, a passer by will see a big grin spread wide across my face. What they don't know is that I'm smiling because something has prompted me to a certain memory of you. Some may think its strange that something so distant in time and space can make me happy, but it does.

In a perfect world, we would still have time to sit around and laugh or cry together like we did in the days before, but like old Neil I've moved around a lot and so have many of you. We are distant not just in space, but we have found ourselves in different sectors of life: kids, job, hobbies, single, family, and so on.

It's been such a pleasure watching so many people grow up and become the amazing people I imagined they would be. The one redeeming factor of Facebook is allowing me to be a small part of your lives, if only through the internet.

Just know this, I consider myself lucky. I have had a great life thus far and mostly that is attributable to my friends and family.  So today I simply write - thank you for the good times we've had. They are not forgotten. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

Desperately Seeking Susan

Today I was thinking about how drastically the world has changed in the last couple of decades. We owe these social changes to a global geo-economic-political world, vast advances in technology, and the transition of women out of the house and into the work place. This Brave New World has allowed us to stay in constant contact and dedicate numerous hours to work of all kinds. It has brought us cheap goods and a million things to do with our time. However, our society is suffering some major side effects from these advancements, not the least of which is a lack of human connection.

We spend so much time distracted, like kids in a candy store, and then we ask ourselves why we feel alone and isolated? Humans are social creatures who chose to live in villages, create matrimony, and share stories around the campfire. So why is it that our generation has managed to moved farther and farther from their home towns, opting instead to go it alone? Why is it that we have not called or spent time with our best friends for weeks or months? We all have our various on-hand excuses, most of which are legitimate.

But now, through these social mediums on the internet, you see people trying to reach out and connect with one another in cyberspace, even if its just to connect on a very superficial level. Remember that random trend of "planking" that spread through the world on the internet. It was something so simple, yet people all around the world - rich, poor, young, old, drunk or sober - posted pictures of themselves planking on the site? Wasn't it simply to reach out and say, "I am here too". "I am a participant."

Or, what about Facebook? There are hundreds of people who search out classmates from better years just to tell them that they had a great time at the zoo with their kids or that they are feeling frustrated. The bottom line is that all of us are basically the same (or at least 99% of us ;). So the question is whether the cyber connections that people have these days are filling the void that so many people are obviously feeling. And, if not then I would argue that you can't expect 296 "friends" to care that you went to the zoo, unless you have invested some of your energy connecting to them. That is what sets apart friends from strangers.

I do believe that these cyber interactions are better than nothing, but it certainly doesn't feel as good as getting together with those you love for a brunch or a couple of cocktails....on a regular basis rather than once a year. The answer, you ask? In order to feel connected, loved, understood, we would need to identify "our people" and share openly and honestly with them....regularly. In turn, we would also need to "be there" for them. This would probably mean giving up the many acquaintances we have collected over the years and opt for fewer, deeper relationships. In a world of distraction, this may prove difficult as I believe many of us have lost the ability to concentrate on anything, even if it is something we so desperately need. 

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Supermarket Schooling

I can't say that I have fully adjusted to small town living. However, there are definitely some things I find endearing about living in a community, such as the spontaneous conversations that take place between strangers in any place at any time. If this happened back in L.A. I would slowly back away, convinced that the conversationalist sporting a smile and a piece of free advise is only using friendliness as an angle to hit me up for something....or worse.

But, here in Roseto degli Abruzzi, even strangers will chime in on a conversation if they overhear a topic of interest. And, since we have so many pensioners and "self-employed" residents, there are a lot of people with time to jump in and school you on the topic of the day. Today, I was schooled on foods to avoid when breastfeeding as I picked out my green beans and tomatoes at the vegetable market. In the past, I have also received unsolicited advise on recipes, how to chose a melon and child-rearing.

Sometimes, instead of offering advise, people start a conversation by asking me a highly personal question, like what building I live in or what school my daughter attends. Like I said, in L.A. these would be huge red flags, but here it's par for the course. Somehow we are all one big family because we are part of the same small community. It is not only this town, but I think this friendly vibe is a part of Italian culture. I commonly see circles of people discussing the economy in a doctor's waiting room or a conversation between the butcher and his client regarding traffic problems in the city (as all other customers wait patiently, or join in if they feel so inclined).

These spontaneous schoolings are a phenomenon that I imagine was a part of people's daily routine during our grandparent's era. And, it likely created a sense of community, which in turn provided roots in a town for an entire lifetime. But, I am sad to say that the willingness to interconnect has completed died out in my generation. We seem to seek independence and freedom of movement more than a feeling of being rooted. Admittedly, I am still hesitant to even say Good Morning to someone passing by because my attitude is "why would I?". I am slowly starting to change, but it took a lifetime to raise my guard and it may take a lifetime to tear it down. Even as a fiercely independent person who doesn't like the weight of other people, I can also see the comfort that the social interaction provides me during monotonous tasks. So to all those who have shared a recipe or a quick piece of knowledge with me along the way, I want to say thank you. I appreciate the unsolicited info; but more than that I appreciate you making me feel like a part of a community, even if we are complete strangers.

Is Love Overrated?

Many times over I have heard cliches about love: "Love is patient, love is kind....";"Its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all";"Distance makes the heart grow fonder";"and my favorite crock of sh#t, "Love conquers all".

But, do people ever stop and evaluate those statements because I am not sure if they are actually true. Sure, love is great when its fresh and new or when it isn't accompanied by people's selfishness, insecurities, self-loathing, infidelity, and, well you get the point. More plainly stated, when you love somebody you can really be made to suffer in a variety of ways. So, is the high of love really worth the lows caused by the actions and inactions of your partner? Or, is it worth the guilt that comes with being the cause of someone else's lows? I suppose its all relative based on how high are the highs and how bad things get. But, can't it be more simply analyzed as follows: If you are "in love" then you are bound to a lifetime of uncertainty. One can't even predict how often or how steep those hills and valleys are going to be. Those in a relationship just have to be willing to go on a wild roller coaster ride if they are coupled with another human and not some kind of a cyborg.

Some people don't fare well with change. Some people aren't willing or able to put in the extra work when things are at a low point, regardless of who put them there. Some people may do great with the chaos of love. Maybe these are questions we should ask ourselves before we take the leap into a traditional love-based relationship. We should know whether we are compatible with love or maybe better served by a stable relationship with friends and already existing family. Think Sex in the City or Stand By Me.

Or, perhaps its okay to love someone deeply but love them from afar. Do we really need to be married or interdependent just because we have these feelings? Maybe its more lasting and healthy to interact less frequently with those we love? Whoever made up the rule that once you find love, you are inextricably bound to the object of that affection for the rest of your life? They could want different things in life,  or have problems that you are ill-prepared to deal with, live on opposite sides of the planet, or pose any other number of insurmountable challenges to being together....on a permanent basis. But, they could be ideal for talking on the phone when you really need someone or meeting up for an annual vacation. Are you getting the idea? I know it seems quite foreign and my bet is that I'll get a number of comments discrediting this theory as overly-cold or practical. I'll bet that those people either are on a high point in their relationship and have a short-term memory or maybe they are one of the lucky few that have found an ideal match in all ways, not just in love....or most likely, they are deluding themselves into thinking they are happier than they really are.

See, I cannot help the leakage of my cynical views from time to time. I have argued for a long time that a life-long monogamous relationship is extremely outdated and unrealistic. Divorce rates, infidelity and the sheer number of people on antidepressants are proof that this structure is not functioning, regardless of what religions' tend to dictate. That said, I am certain that true love exists; maybe even love at first sight. My argument is that, for most people, being with that person forever is not a realistic goal. I argue that our ever-changing lives are not conducive to a single monogamous life-long relationship. However, the jury is still out on whether partnering with the one you love - rather than opting for being single or shacking up with a more practical match - is the right way to go. Both avenues seem to have their downside so every individual must choose the avenue that provide them with what they need most not what society brainwashes them to do from the day they are born. And depending on whether each person's foremost goal is passion, stability, family, career, travel, money, etc. the answer to which kind of relationship(s) are best will change.

Good Luck!

Giving Birth In Italia - A Cautionary Tale

On August 21, 2011 I gave birth to my darling daughter Addison in Chieti, Italy......the beauty of the experience both starts and ends with her. While I am no fan of the profit-driven health care system established in the United States, I have no shame in selling out my socialist tendencies to tell the truth about the horrible conditions under which an Italian woman is expected to give birth. I cannot say whether this lack of basic comforts says something about this society's view of women or if its just a general absence of accommodations for all hospital stays due to the lack of public funds in the system.

I will have to taper my complaints down to just the extreme lowlights for the sake of my time and yours. First off, it is impossible to get an epidural at the state hospitals, even if you offer to pay for it. Labor sans epidural - deadly painful. Suffice it to say had there been a knife near me, I'd have slit my throat in order to avoid another contraction. Yes, it was that bad. And, I had to BEG for Tylenol the next day and had to be very clear it was only for my stitches. Com'on. Its Tylenol! 

I know some women go for a totally medication free birth in the US, but its their choice at least. Here, every woman not having a C-Section is having a natural birth (Caveat: there are some private clinics which offer epidurals, but they are few and far between and very expensive). I will say that the staff was very hands-on during the labor period, providing a birthing ball, hot water for my back, and other supposedly soothing methods. While I totally appreciate their gesture since I see it as beyond the job description, for me, none of these things seemed to work (possibly because I had an induced labor). 

Now let me get to the really bad part, because this hospital is supposedly the best in the area (after all, I had to drive 45 minutes to this hospital as the others do not have a neonatal ward). There are three women AND their babies to one room.......did I mention that the room has no shower or bath and you are required to stay for a minimum of 48 hours, more likely 60-80 hours. Visiting hours were posted but in reality people came and went from 7 in the morning to 10 at night.  You could find a score of excited relatives visiting your neighbor to the left at any time of the day. This annoyingly upbeat crowd was only worsened by the fact that there was no AC in the rooms and mother's are not allowed to take the baby into the hallway to escape the claustrophobic quarters.  In my room, the other women refused to open the windows because they said the mosquitos would come in or they would catch a draft. Psycho! You cannot catch a draft when it is 80 percent humidity and 90 degrees outside. I was sweating the entire time I was there. Frankly, the treatment was inhumane especially considering the extra weight and hormones coursing through a woman's body immediately following birth. I thought of calling Human Rights Watch or Amnesty International, but of course there was no phone at my disposal. 

Now the part that really gets me. I got a hot four course meal for lunch and dinner every day, which was at least three star, if not four.....some things just can't be skimped on in Italy. But, ironically I had to bring my own fork and knife and napkin to the hospital to eat the fresh hot meal. I am not kidding. And....no, I am not making this part up for dramatic effect.....I had to bring my own soap, toilet paper, maxi-pads, towel, etc. I am not sure why I needed the soap and towel since there was no shower in my room. Oh wait, there was an open tub at the end of the hall for about 40+ women and their guests to use. The last thing I'd do is sit in a bathtub that is available to hundreds of other people per day, even if I am desperate. It must be said that my shower on a remote Thai island using a bucket of water and a hole in a kind stranger's backyard was much more sanitary than the very public bathtub in the Chieti hospital. I now know the true value of a "push present"; something I never really gave much credence to when I had my daughter in a cushy orange county hospital with a private room and ample drugs at my disposal. They even had soap next to the sink in all of the bathrooms and a refrigerator for my Champaign. 

So, that sums up the lovely experience of giving birth in Italy where the government takes a ton of your money for healthcare. But, given what we get in return I am starting to think that those funds were likely redirected to pay for Moroccan hookers. I will admit that the staff were great - but Mother Theresa herself would not have made up for the harsh surroundings. That, my friends, is why you should think very carefully about having unprotected sex in Italy. The EU has a completely open border policy, so if you should find yourself extremely pregnant in Italy, please immediately begin to drive north. Soon you will be safely in one of the countries doing the lending and not the borrowing these days; a much better bet if you ask me. Who knows, maybe they will even have toilet paper for you to use during your stay.....a girl's gotta dream. 

Chaos on the Streets

One quickly discovers that Europeans really don't work in August. In Italy this "season" of vacation is called Ferragoto. Most people seem to have the two weeks off leading up to August 15, as a bare minimum but there are variations.

Being in Roseto degli Abruzzi, which is by all definitions "a beach town", this city is transformed into a thriving mecca for vacationers in the months of July and August. Our tourists are mostly Italians from other areas, but there is also a fair share of French, Germans and a few Dutch. Here is the problem, this city is already poorly organized and badly equipped during the winter months, so you double or even triple the population in the summer and it turns into a logistic nightmare. It is IMPOSSIBLE to drive given that there is really only one main street. It is dangerous to ride your bike because there are no bike lanes and there is barely room for a car to drive on the main street.  Until you have barely eked by a moving 18 wheeler truck and a parked car to your right with a matter of two inches of space, you truly don't know how scary a proposition that is. Then repeat this process about a thousand times for your ten minute bike ride, and you have the oh so relaxed feeling of riding your bike in Roseto.

Walking is really the only practical solution here, but did I mention there are very few sidewalks off the main road, so you end up walking next to the cars in the street. Again, not the most tranquil of strolls when you are worried about your purse getting caught on the passing car's rear-view mirror. In any case, it is too damn hot to walk on most summer days here.

To make matters worse, there are zero efforts on the part of the city or region to make this a more livable, better-flowing city. For example, streets could be labeled as one-way rather than having people park on both sides of the street so that when a car comes the opposite direction, you have to literally reverse hundreds of feet in a space that is less than eight feet wide because there is no way to fit both cars. Am I being too demanding you ask? Isn't that the European way, to squeeze into tight spaces with grace? I think a German, or Dutch visitor would say NO! This reversing craziness literally happens 10-15 times a day, every day all throughout the summer. And, I only drive about 20 minutes a day maximum. It is a serious pain in the ass and a waste of time. It could be fixed so easily with a simple sign that says no parking or one-way. But days, weeks, years go by and Rosetani have to live with this chaos. 

Then of course there is the utterly ridiculous ritual of finding a parking spot. Heaven forbid the construction of a parking structure because that would be too easy. Parking illegally is how most people handle it. People see no problem parking on an angle which leaves it impossible to make a right-hand turn because the streets are so narrow. Parking in a cross-walk is free game and so is parking in loading, handicapped, and motorcycle designated areas. Seriously!?! Do you know how annoying it is to make a 7 point turn just because you need to make a right? And the best part is it just goes on in continuation because the city rarely, if ever, gives people tickets for this illegal behavior.

Furthermore, given that so many people in our town use a bike as their principal form of transportation, a bike lane (or dare I say even a well-appointed bike path) would be greatly appreciated. However, there is only one strip that runs about 1 kilometer in front of the ocean. Very pretty, but not very helpful when you are going about your daily business in the center of town.

Then, lets talk about the little babies that are riding on the front of their parents bikes within inches of car traffic zooming by........WITH NO HELMETS. Its dangerous enough as it is, but do people not realize that a 9 month old baby would probably die if it hit the ground without a helmet???? For every 100 kids, I see maybe one with a helmet on. Its all fun and games until your kid is dead!

If I were in charge of a tourist town which desperately depends on tourist dollars, I would want to make things as comfortable as possible for those tourists, and of course for my year-round tax paying constituents. However, here it does not even seem to be a discussion as to make the flow of the city better. How can something so basic be ignored? How can the people live with this chaos day in and day out for years on end and not realize that most of these things can easily be improved upon. I am crying out for four simple things, and I never imagined they would be things I would have to ask for.

Please Mr. Mayor I would like:

Sidewalks

One Way Streets

Bike Lanes

Parking Structure

Even in a time of austerity, I think these basics should be provided for.....but I appear to be the only big dreamer in this city.