Is Love Overrated?

Many times over I have heard cliches about love: "Love is patient, love is kind....";"Its better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all";"Distance makes the heart grow fonder";"and my favorite crock of sh#t, "Love conquers all".

But, do people ever stop and evaluate those statements because I am not sure if they are actually true. Sure, love is great when its fresh and new or when it isn't accompanied by people's selfishness, insecurities, self-loathing, infidelity, and, well you get the point. More plainly stated, when you love somebody you can really be made to suffer in a variety of ways. So, is the high of love really worth the lows caused by the actions and inactions of your partner? Or, is it worth the guilt that comes with being the cause of someone else's lows? I suppose its all relative based on how high are the highs and how bad things get. But, can't it be more simply analyzed as follows: If you are "in love" then you are bound to a lifetime of uncertainty. One can't even predict how often or how steep those hills and valleys are going to be. Those in a relationship just have to be willing to go on a wild roller coaster ride if they are coupled with another human and not some kind of a cyborg.

Some people don't fare well with change. Some people aren't willing or able to put in the extra work when things are at a low point, regardless of who put them there. Some people may do great with the chaos of love. Maybe these are questions we should ask ourselves before we take the leap into a traditional love-based relationship. We should know whether we are compatible with love or maybe better served by a stable relationship with friends and already existing family. Think Sex in the City or Stand By Me.

Or, perhaps its okay to love someone deeply but love them from afar. Do we really need to be married or interdependent just because we have these feelings? Maybe its more lasting and healthy to interact less frequently with those we love? Whoever made up the rule that once you find love, you are inextricably bound to the object of that affection for the rest of your life? They could want different things in life,  or have problems that you are ill-prepared to deal with, live on opposite sides of the planet, or pose any other number of insurmountable challenges to being together....on a permanent basis. But, they could be ideal for talking on the phone when you really need someone or meeting up for an annual vacation. Are you getting the idea? I know it seems quite foreign and my bet is that I'll get a number of comments discrediting this theory as overly-cold or practical. I'll bet that those people either are on a high point in their relationship and have a short-term memory or maybe they are one of the lucky few that have found an ideal match in all ways, not just in love....or most likely, they are deluding themselves into thinking they are happier than they really are.

See, I cannot help the leakage of my cynical views from time to time. I have argued for a long time that a life-long monogamous relationship is extremely outdated and unrealistic. Divorce rates, infidelity and the sheer number of people on antidepressants are proof that this structure is not functioning, regardless of what religions' tend to dictate. That said, I am certain that true love exists; maybe even love at first sight. My argument is that, for most people, being with that person forever is not a realistic goal. I argue that our ever-changing lives are not conducive to a single monogamous life-long relationship. However, the jury is still out on whether partnering with the one you love - rather than opting for being single or shacking up with a more practical match - is the right way to go. Both avenues seem to have their downside so every individual must choose the avenue that provide them with what they need most not what society brainwashes them to do from the day they are born. And depending on whether each person's foremost goal is passion, stability, family, career, travel, money, etc. the answer to which kind of relationship(s) are best will change.

Good Luck!

Giving Birth In Italia - A Cautionary Tale

On August 21, 2011 I gave birth to my darling daughter Addison in Chieti, Italy......the beauty of the experience both starts and ends with her. While I am no fan of the profit-driven health care system established in the United States, I have no shame in selling out my socialist tendencies to tell the truth about the horrible conditions under which an Italian woman is expected to give birth. I cannot say whether this lack of basic comforts says something about this society's view of women or if its just a general absence of accommodations for all hospital stays due to the lack of public funds in the system.

I will have to taper my complaints down to just the extreme lowlights for the sake of my time and yours. First off, it is impossible to get an epidural at the state hospitals, even if you offer to pay for it. Labor sans epidural - deadly painful. Suffice it to say had there been a knife near me, I'd have slit my throat in order to avoid another contraction. Yes, it was that bad. And, I had to BEG for Tylenol the next day and had to be very clear it was only for my stitches. Com'on. Its Tylenol! 

I know some women go for a totally medication free birth in the US, but its their choice at least. Here, every woman not having a C-Section is having a natural birth (Caveat: there are some private clinics which offer epidurals, but they are few and far between and very expensive). I will say that the staff was very hands-on during the labor period, providing a birthing ball, hot water for my back, and other supposedly soothing methods. While I totally appreciate their gesture since I see it as beyond the job description, for me, none of these things seemed to work (possibly because I had an induced labor). 

Now let me get to the really bad part, because this hospital is supposedly the best in the area (after all, I had to drive 45 minutes to this hospital as the others do not have a neonatal ward). There are three women AND their babies to one room.......did I mention that the room has no shower or bath and you are required to stay for a minimum of 48 hours, more likely 60-80 hours. Visiting hours were posted but in reality people came and went from 7 in the morning to 10 at night.  You could find a score of excited relatives visiting your neighbor to the left at any time of the day. This annoyingly upbeat crowd was only worsened by the fact that there was no AC in the rooms and mother's are not allowed to take the baby into the hallway to escape the claustrophobic quarters.  In my room, the other women refused to open the windows because they said the mosquitos would come in or they would catch a draft. Psycho! You cannot catch a draft when it is 80 percent humidity and 90 degrees outside. I was sweating the entire time I was there. Frankly, the treatment was inhumane especially considering the extra weight and hormones coursing through a woman's body immediately following birth. I thought of calling Human Rights Watch or Amnesty International, but of course there was no phone at my disposal. 

Now the part that really gets me. I got a hot four course meal for lunch and dinner every day, which was at least three star, if not four.....some things just can't be skimped on in Italy. But, ironically I had to bring my own fork and knife and napkin to the hospital to eat the fresh hot meal. I am not kidding. And....no, I am not making this part up for dramatic effect.....I had to bring my own soap, toilet paper, maxi-pads, towel, etc. I am not sure why I needed the soap and towel since there was no shower in my room. Oh wait, there was an open tub at the end of the hall for about 40+ women and their guests to use. The last thing I'd do is sit in a bathtub that is available to hundreds of other people per day, even if I am desperate. It must be said that my shower on a remote Thai island using a bucket of water and a hole in a kind stranger's backyard was much more sanitary than the very public bathtub in the Chieti hospital. I now know the true value of a "push present"; something I never really gave much credence to when I had my daughter in a cushy orange county hospital with a private room and ample drugs at my disposal. They even had soap next to the sink in all of the bathrooms and a refrigerator for my Champaign. 

So, that sums up the lovely experience of giving birth in Italy where the government takes a ton of your money for healthcare. But, given what we get in return I am starting to think that those funds were likely redirected to pay for Moroccan hookers. I will admit that the staff were great - but Mother Theresa herself would not have made up for the harsh surroundings. That, my friends, is why you should think very carefully about having unprotected sex in Italy. The EU has a completely open border policy, so if you should find yourself extremely pregnant in Italy, please immediately begin to drive north. Soon you will be safely in one of the countries doing the lending and not the borrowing these days; a much better bet if you ask me. Who knows, maybe they will even have toilet paper for you to use during your stay.....a girl's gotta dream.